Unkown - I

Making way through the past , my life dies a million run of future at a time
But the crave to find all the answers 
what drives me to go back......


her words are still fresh in my mind :


"if u really wanna know , what happened 
go back and realize urself ...."


Maybe she wants make her self not be blamed ....or whatever reason she has for it.


its hard for me to go back ....but i have to ...
just to be with u .....


even if i dnt at my own will , life makes me run back ....for something i lost ...
some precious than my own life i had .....


running back through time , those happier moments are still alive ...who are so unknown to the dark
future ...ahead in time ......


there u r my sweet goli( sweetest person alive) and i m ur sweet nautanki (actor).
the care ...the will to do anything for u .....is still alive ......
thats not what i had lost in the present ....the thing that makes me die ..is the blind faith i had in u .....


Unfortunately , i miss it ...its something i am missing in the present life ....
A life ...where i m just suffering ...
to have lost everything i put faith in ...that just goes away in a flash ....


I have given u ..back ...all what i had taken away ...
a profile , without me ....
a picture , without my comments ....
a mobile , without my call and messages ......


the most important , the waste of ur precious time i did ......


it all relates to a journey ....an unplanned one ....
where life made me experience ....everything we shared ....


I was not at all knowing ..anything that was going to happen ....
I had a day of past ...knocking on the door of my life ...
saying : " here are ur moments that u spent ...happily "
they were just needed to be remembered again "


I sat in the bus , cursing myself ...again for every wrong thing that was happening that day
it was not about the things that were going wrong , it was the life ....that had taken a wrong turn ,
to have left her behind ...or she may have willingly stepped out ....
I m restless about journeying this life without her .....


the bus conductor ....asked me to buy the ticket ...
to which i handed over the money to him and marked my destination ......the end point of the route of the
bus ....I was unaware of the route of the bus ...the only thing i was sure of was that it would make me
reach my destination ...


the journey started ....
i was calmed ....i had my phone .....
and just to take my mind of things ...i started to read the messages ....
but it was of no good ...as my mobile never had a single message from anyother person
....my inbox was full with her messages ...ranging from a simple "hi " to a message wishing good morning ......
from her enquiring  questions ...to her excuses ...for something wrong ....
they all were still there ....


i cudnt take my eyes off my mobile , as i loved reading her messages ...as in that way i felt somewhat nearer to her
but the bus stopped ...getting out the conjusted market ...near a park ....
it was where she celebrated her cousin's birthday ....
i am reminded of all what we talked ....that day .....even when the signal problem was there ......
but we were connected .....


I looked back ....and i saw the flint of hills ....in the background ....
i softly said to myself ...." i was correct shona , the hills are visible from here " .....


the bus went on .....
as if  as if asked by the surroundings ...to hurridly move on......
as mybe they were getting bothered...they all felt saying ...independently
" I dnt want u to here , plzz leave and i never called u bacK....."


so the bus , moved on ...and i read her messages .....
the message i came across was ...." hey "
the reason of her overwhelming approach to start the conversation was ...that " she had hit herself ,while travelling on her activa " .....
i was agitated by this ....i had no words then ...
but had just one thing ....on my mind .....
" just wanted her to recover back to normal ...."


i called her stupid , uncaring , and evrything i felt like calling her sweetly , 
i had a mix of reactions ..anger and care both fighting each other to dominate me .....but both fell weak simultaneously
the anger of a lover ...and the care ...she used to ask upon by telling me everything ....


Shona , u changed to me ....the person who never wished to be surviving on sympathies , had 
nothing else to look for from others ......
So , i wish to keep the distance from others ......


(to be continued....)

Forever....

fearing down the life...
my habits are changing too

the one who used to be with u always
is alone forever..its true....

u smile , u laugh...it makes no difference
to u...how someone is surviving without u

expectations grew.....emotions new...
now ....even the world has lovers..numbered few....

whenever i m online , i cant get my eyes off ur profile
looking for something abt me...which for ages i havent seen
maybe u lost me..u forgot me...u deny my existence in ur life..

maybe ..i should kept the secret untold...
and maybe ....should have blinfolded to ignore ur cheatings....

whenever u lied....i meant something to u....
it revived a living life in me...
but what abt the sorrows u gave.....
they kill all the moments for me...
making me realize ....how unimportant is it
to live without ....U

wishing every next moment ....be the end...
coz u r not there....and i m not alive....
surviving through all this....just for ur smile....

it feels alright...i calm myself down
but the hatred grew..not for U..but for my own life now

i down with tears , every now and then....
things have completely changed without u
and i dnt wanna live ....

ComeBack......

good night ....

good night.....why r u sleeping so early today
she asked....

coz i have a date...i have to get everything ready..
for her...

who is she ?

obviously YOU, do i have anyone else ?

maybe..how wud i knw ?...and she wud laugh ...

but i ll be sleeping late..

never mind, i ll wait for U.....i replied

she disconnected ...after good night...and this wud always be followed up by a message

.....all this is a memory now....

my heart still wish for her comeback into my life..
but maybe she was correct .....when she said ...i assume too much about my life...
it all comes back to leave me in tears again...tearing down my existence a lot more
each day....
i shudnt have loved ....i curse myself...or i shudnt have tried too much making things
complicated for her....as she always believes ....i m the only complication in my life

i felt so bad...when she disrespected me and my feelings....and did marked my self -respect
a low .......

but whatever be it , i dnt know ....what all changed life....

i was on ORKUt.....some time ago...and i searched her name...and found her profile
it made me believed ....it was her , the one i loved ....not the one who disrespected
feelings.....
it was so simple....

the profile didnt had a single pic of her .....and yet it was special for me.....

i m lost....i m hurted...
i cant move on...coz maybe i m fullfilled.....coz i found my love..but lost it to faith

I m out of her life.....now.....i dnt want my shadow ..to be casted on her.....
i cant be with her.....coz this is what she wants...
and i dnt have a life to assure her happiness prolonged.....

i m eyed to the door , awaiting her arrival....
my heart says ...she wud come today.....its the first time , i have called her....
she wud come....she said i mean something to her ....she wud respect that....
she wud come....

i await...while the time runs....racing with my heartbeat ....thats pacing down with moments

i m trying to give up my wait..but my heart never accepts ....it stays on...to wait
a few more......

just through the glass of water ....i see her..
she was wearing her usuals....

i got so happy .....and my heart overjoyed.....
i had no clue..of what made it happen
but the thing was ..she was there...

i moved up to see...and no one was at the door.....the glass of water casted image
of the screensaver of the laptop....

just for some moments...till it became my destiny
i had a life full of moments to live by......

For U......

Shona.

U left me...with a life full of fears ,
i had plenty of them before u ,
maybe u didnt cared
and gifted me some more....

life without u ...is hell...
i have lost everything in life....and now i am giving up on it
everyday....

please come back...but come back with a promise ..

Promise .
that maybe the end of you , the end of me ...and the end of the life
existing without U...


feeling remain silenced ..and they have given up and slept...just like a child
given a fake assurance of what he desires...

but the truth ..lies
and the change never come...

i was with my friends ...trying to be in the outside world without u....
they all met ...explained....their busy schedules..making fake promises of meeting again
but it all lies in between ...something known as trust...they are friends
they wont betray.....

but i m fearing to trust anyone....after what u did to me....
trust is now something ....that has no value....
its all fake for me.....

just like ...i was a part of life is a lie ..for everyone who is part of ur life

she said once....words as it quoted

" if i shall meet u in the future....i ll ignore ..U "

these words meant that she felt so disgraced to have known me...and i never knew that

....

we went to meet our old friend ...who had become a playboy
with the activities he had got into with the opposites.......
the title was apt on him...

he was waiting for his tution mate to come ..and he called us ..to meet him down
his coaching place..

we were surprised ..were they only two , who were studying there...
but the reply sorted all that.....they were only two attending classes that day
and all others had opted for an off for that day..

somehow ...my friend had some news abt his tution mate..
which he discussed.....

the discussion...went off in a while....and it hit me hard of the three persons
present there....

they actually made fun ...of the sentiments and feelings ..she had for her bfs
in her past relationships...

and how they broke up in the end.....

they all had their reasons to laugh.....but i saw  a replica of my life...in her story

they all laughed ..while i felt ached...something in me...asked me ?
wud they laugh at ur story too ?
i wasnt sure....i was no different from her ...in the story of love..

i got so insecure ..that i never told anyone...abt my story after that....
and never laughed on anyone's story....

it all made me ..realize ....i was all alone in life....

" I have no-one to be with ..without u , as no one understood me ...more than u do"
:(

i felt so wrong ...and maybe bcoz u felt so right ...
after doing all what u did....and nothing that counted...

taking aback by ur actions ...and cursing to have loved
i m all down the ashes ....and no one respects.....

i deserve this....coz u end things in a furry ..to be ahead in ur life
all thanks to the deserving charm of him....to have won over u

u did all wrong ....broke my trust .....made me felt so helpless
as u pondered ur conditions on me...treated me like a pet ..serving U....

just by ur conditions , i had u and if not , i had lost u forever
and this for ..the trust u broke...i indeed paid a very heavy price to u

never ever .....think of saying "go back to the past and see .."
coz its not ..me who is assuming ....but it was U who used me .and now forgot...

things are too tough.....to accept when u r wrong......and thats what u r good
at....turned me out when i just caught u ..breaking my trust....

i never broke ur trust....maybe i shud have and been like others
and not been a fool .standing apart from others...
as it had been a torcher ..believing ...u wont be there ..when i need U

there will be just words ..just an excuse ....to feel sorry and never feel
guility ...to have never been there when i needed u...

be with whosoever ....u wanna ..be with
even if u feel bad...or feel good....u have a win win situation to live with

i m all alone...i fear to trust anyone now.....
thanks....

HER.....

Walking down in life....i get to see her as always
she greets me ...meets me...and she has only one thing to say

"did nothing worng ....at all"

she would bring tears down my eyes ....would write so much against me
in a private message...but wont committ that she did anything wrong

Maybe i was an easy victim ...and evaluated me very well.....

Everything was clear to me...sine the start...
with the lie darkening the truth in my existenced sky.......

All i can say....i remember everything....maybe u dnt or dnt want to

it all started when i came to knw abt him..and i first tried knowing abt him from her
checking on her feelings.....for him
"he is just a friend " she told me.......saying that in a way , trying to convince me
and trust her .....i was blind....to  have trusted her...

I m wrecked...and her love story still prevails...
if she wud have let me know ...truthfully her story....i would have never thought of
falling for her.....

the story that she loved him....the story i got to knw .....months after i first expressed
my feelings to her....and maybe only because i was lucky that day......

"he threatened me to committ suicide .....if i dnt agree to be with him "
i was a fool..who entertained all that....or i valued life to a moment to give her some time
to decide....because i trusted her....

I was only important to her .....when she needed me....

her life is never incomplete .....whether i stay or i dnt....

and even i m lost in assuming too much about my life.......

she never tried contacting me.....and i was unable to be myself ....without her

she always has everything to share with him...

i add on to the topics
to be the worst phase of her life.....

him...knew everyone...who was a part of her life......and she had known him......
more than she had known me.....

but it never gave her ...any right to ruin me.....

Saying "NO" isnt the end....u have to give reasons......

and she gave me ....all the stupid reasons to be with


i dnt wanna be with anyone....i wanna be single .....

if i had to committ , i wud have committed to him...

i dnt feel like being in a relationship.....

i m not that expressive as u r....i like keeping things to myself.....

None of them being the reason.......

she threw me out of her life...just like that ..one day
as if i was nothing....to her...

and she didnt stoped there....
she said something ....that never had expected...

"NO one knows...U were there at my birthday party .....as one of my best friend's friend"

keeping me almost out of her life ....


"I dnt want u to leave ....
...........but it wont hurt ...even if u leave" - HER( everytime i said goodbye)

wishing for happiness .....i m down to begging for it
as it never came to easy for me....then for the others

as i am alone ....i peak into her life...just to see
if my absence is of any loss to her ......

but all i see is her life complete...
i had always wished and wanted it to happen
but i dnt feel good abt it now....

what has changed in me ?
maybe the love that hurts me ......when i m alone.
but i cant do naything abt it....

but the love never lets me move on....it always asks ....me
to make promises that bound me from leaving ...and makes me live in the past

its great....to be in memories ...which never meant anything to her
coz they are everything to me....

i cant force ...nor i can leave her...
i m all on my own...searching for something that cud make her return
but all in vain...

she is happy and she wont return for anything bad....
maybe she has now ....known the fact that i m the unlucky part of her life....
and no one bothers for the unluckies....

maybe i ll have to live with this fact...and she now has proved it

she tries to contact.....but i cant let go ...everything that she did
that made me ruin myself to the present day

"I dnt feel like talking to....." her words that just enclose me...
when i see her online...and even if it difficult to live without talking to her
it stops me .....from replying .....

maybe she made a joke out of my life
everything that was true....saying i was mad
she thought ...she wont be blamed ...after telling others....
about me....

sharing my life...even when it was meant to be kept to herself...

i was in love ...solely and even i m in love with her....
and i have been rewarded the best award of love by her.........

the unwillingness to be with .....me
the unfaithfulness to me...